Tuesday, October 25, 2016

My Deep Dark Secret


After all of these years it finally happened. Ok, wait… let me just say, now I feel stuck because I have to explain what is happening but it is hard to put into words; the same way that a Picture of a spectacular scenery just can’t capture the magnitude of the beauty that a person is observing.  

However, at this point, I guess now I have to try and explain what the heck I am talking about.  So here we go, but wait.. let me set out a couple of guidelines first. In order for me to allow you permission to read on, you have to know that what I am about to say.. is just ridiculous in my perspective, it is embarrassing and that I am writing this in a sarcastic tone because even though this is really serious, I am hilarious and so all that I can really do is laugh at myself and the stupidity of it all. If you carry on reading this know that to me it is like giving a report in school and then realizing you are actually naked in front of the entire student body but you finish the talk anyways… here we go.

Have I lost you yet? If not, I will really try to do my best to describe what is going on. For those of you who know me, you will be in shock at what I am about to tell you…but if you reflect back you will be like, ok, now finally that makes sense, “I thought she was just really hard to get a hold of.”
Sometimes that really is the truth, because I am hard to contact in person… but there are a couple times a month, where no matter what magical powers you may have, there just is no way to reach me. Bare with me while I elaborate, typically once a month I have this “nothingness” that drowns me.  Right now your like what the hell are you talking about, Marcia, you are one of the most functional people I know. I am like, yes I understand your confusion as this makes zero scene to me as well but it is my monthly reality.  I get that this is hard to understand because you know the me that can stand in  front of hundreds of people and speak like everyone is my BFF, however, I do have a time where I literary can’t answer my phone or reply to a text if I wanted to.  At that moment, I can’t stop crying, I am not sad but I cry like my favorite person just got hit by a bus.  I can’t speak, not even to put in a sentence to explain to my husband why I have tears flowing like a river down my checks.

The only reason that now, I am sharing this is because of my yesterday.  The morning started out like a normal day; the type of day that would seem like ciaos to anyone who does not have children.  Once the kids were off to school, the “nothing” took over.  Even though I have a hundred things to do, I can’t do anything.  Not like procrastination, can’t do anything but like a heaviness preventing me from lifting my hands and not being able to grab the remote type of not being able to do anything!  Most of my day consisted of nothing; like literally nothing.  Somehow I managed to make a crockpot meal for dinner and fold a load of laundry but that is all. I avoided 20 plus phone calls, a couple dozen emails and was unseen on social media. 

With almost 400,000 followers online, you know that a following like that does not just happen by being invisible. As the president of a society that is responsible for bringing thousands of people out to celebrate, I know that it is not compatible for me to have social anxiety but that is exactly what happens to me every single month. Typically I am just lucky with my timing and I can somehow work around this pool of nothingness that surrounds me a couple of times a month.  Brad is also amazing at covering for me with our business and family obligations. Until yesterday this is just something that I just put up with and did a great job of hiding from everyone in my world.

After school yesterday Kenten had volleyball and Kyrsten was going to study until he was done.  Brad had to drop off his truck for a tune up, so I was planning to pick them all up afterwards and then come directly back to my “Bubble.”  Then, the train came off the tracks. Kyrsten’s Birthday is today, so her Grandparents  wanted to take Kyrsten out for dinner last night.  That part was ok because in my mind I could pick everyone up at the same time, stay in the truck and them come home and hide until my “crazy” day was over.  But that is not how it worked out. Brad left our house at 5:00 and didn’t really want to wonder around town for an hour and a half waiting for me to show up.  I suggested that he go out for a drink with a friend until 6:30, that way I would not have to leave until the last minute. Remember that I did not have the desire or energy to put on makeup or shower or change my cloths, so I really really did not want to go outside let alone be seen in public.  

Keep in mind that I think that the way that I am feeling is not logical and is stupid so it is that much harder for me to put on a coat and walk outside to my truck. However, somehow I get to Fernie and dial Brads number.  I am crying, and can’t catch my breath so it is impossible to even explain my situation when he asks me to come inside because he is having drinks with some friends of ours who are moving across the country. Normal me, adores these people and typically would be all over a goodbye visit.. but not this day.  I sit in the parking lot crying as cars go by. Darnit, my sunglasses are not in my truck so as I panic that someone I know will pull up.. I decide to drive through the automatic carwash.  Since streaming water is the theme of my day, I decide to make the most of it, plus that way if someone sees me they will think my tears are just water  drops on my windshield. Don’t forget that I am not thinking too straight so this does make sense in my mind.  

As water washes over my truck, Kyrsten calls, I answer the call hoping the sound of the wash muffles my own tears, she is not fooled. She said that she was at the high school watching her cousins volleyball game. She told me the name of the restaurant she was going to,(I thought she would have already ate but I try to act calm) so I told her I would pick up her brother and drop him off where she was. I tried to figure out what I would do while I was waiting for everyone to eat… I didn’t know how but somehow I would make it work and still not let anyone see that I was acting totally nuts.  I texted Kenten and let him know I was sitting outside his practice. I was trying to be obscure while I watched all of the other parents go inside to get their kids. Finally Kenten came outside and got into the truck. I tried not to look at him, he really has not seen me in this state before.  Normally I could think of something to say when he asks me what is wrong. This time, my brain was not working. I could not think about the right thing to tell him. The words were just not there.  So when he asked what was wrong, I was like… ummm I ahhh, nothing. That was not good enough for him so I said, I ahhhh my hormones are just out of control. He was like…. What? Well, I ahh I have my period so I , can’t get a grip. He laughed at me, I laughed still balling and I dropped him off at the high school.

I drove over to pick up Brad, sitting in the far end of the parking lot I called him and asked if he was ready to go. I can barely talk because now, Kenten knows my dark secret and thinks his mother is a nutjob.. . The phone rings as I am talking to Brad trying to come up with an explainable reason why I just cannot go inside the restaurant… I answer the other call, it is Kyrsten saying that Kenten is at the high school however, she is at the restaurant and that I dropped him off at the wrong place.  Crap, I go back to the school, pick him up, even though now he thinks I should be in a strait jacket, he gets into the truck and I take him over to the restaurant. I ask him not to say anything to his Grandparents about me and I say that I have a headache so I can’t come in.  I then go back to Brad.. “Are you ready to leave?  I just need to go home, please let me go home.” What is wrong, he asked and I can’t reply. He says he is just paying his bill and he will be outside. 

I can’t park in the normal parking lot, someone might see me, so I am on the other side of the building.  Brad calls because I am nowhere to be found. I explain where I am. I see him walking towards me and I am so embarrassed and humiliated that he has to see me in this circumstance. I know he loves me, but I hate that he is a witness to this level of crazy!!! I tell him I need to go home, I just want to be home. It is hard to talk, hard to breath hard to even look at him.  Brad is like… I am just hungry.  I just can’t… 

So, I drop him off beside the building so no one sees me, because I don’t want to seem rude, but I can’t even imagine walking inside let alone getting out of my truck.  Brad in his sweet way says, go home and I will figure out how we will get there… I just have to leave. 

I can focus on the road, I am almost home when my phone rings… ignore, ignore oh shit my truck automatically picked up.. “Hello” it is a friend of mine calling to talk. This is the very last thing I want to be doing at this moment but it is too late I am committed she knows I am there she can hear me breathing.. I answer, “Hello..”  She asks me if I have a cold because I sound like crap… I am like noooo . I ahhh.  I have hidden this side of me for so long how do I explain, how do I… damnit. All that I can do is laugh, because I think this is just so dumb. I managed to tell her that I am a little off my rocker at the moment and that I am hormonally challenged and that she should call back when I am stable!  She laughed harder now feeling much better about her life. I laugh because I know what she is thinking but I am still crying, this is just so stupid and frustrating!  She changes the subject we talk for a minute more and her doorbell rings so she has to go. She said she would call me back, I think, please don’t… not because I don’t love her, but it is because I just don’t need any more witnesses to this shenanigans.  I sigh in relief because the last thing in the world that I want to do is talk on the phone.  She calls back and my truck picks up again.  I am more embarrassed, because now she knows that all of these years when she could not get a hold of me, I was probably sitting beside my phone watching it ring and then watching as it went to voicemail. Now she knows that I know that she knows.. but because she is my friend, she forgives me because it was not on purpose.

Finally I am home, I gotta go… safe, inside, alone, I sit on the couch.  Before I know it everyone is home. It is ok that I have puffy eyes,  I know they love me but I can’t even tell them a real reason why I had to disappear because to me there isn’t any logic to it, so how can I possible explain it so they can kind of get it.  Normally, I can pass my withdrawal off on a headache… because I do get more than my share of those, however, yesterday it all exploded into reality.  Being in public, risking the chance that someone would actually see me while I was trying to catch my breath and crying was just way too much. It was overwhelming , even with the “safety net” of knowing that I would be around people I love, it just did not matter.  Now think about how frustrating it is for me… I felt more in control when I had a gun pointed at my head for over 8 hours.  Long story, yes it really happened, a years ago and it is not important. I only used that fact to make my point about being in control and to see if you were still paying attention.  

I understand that this irrational mental state does not make a lick of scene but this is what is going on, occasionally and I thought you should know so you understand why I sometimes don’t pick up the phone.  

On a side note… Kenten went into the restaurant laughing at me. Everyone asked him what was going on, so instead of making something up.. he laughs and says, “Mom did not want to come in because she has her period and doesn’t want anyone to know!” 

Stand for Peace


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