Wednesday, November 4, 2009

From Coal to Diamonds

Today I had to take some supplies to my husband; he was working at one of the local mines that is the furthest from our house. Even though it was not an emergency I volunteered to drive up rather than sending them up on the transport truck. In his mind he thinks that I am doing him a favor..but in mine…the drive is a favor to me. Driving for me is like meditation. It allows me the opportunity to think about all of the thoughts that are rolling around in my head.

This particular drive allows me to appreciate the majestic beauty that is the Canadian Rocky Mountains since the mine is at the end of the road 5400 feet above sea level. Without fail every time that I have traveled this road, I have been blessed with the opportunity to enjoy the local wildlife. I have seen bears, moose, deer, elk and big horn sheep… today I had 2 bald eagles follow me up the highway for miles until they got distracted with showing off for me by showing off for each other.

Since it is a coal mine in a series of coal mines, there are coal seems that run all over the valleys. There are places along the journey that years ago were struck by lightning, which caused fires to ignite underground and continued to burn for years and years. As I drove past one of these locations I could not help but think of the underground fires that I had burned in me for years and years. Like the coal fire, most of the damage was never visible on the surface. Once and awhile, some outside smoke could be seen, but for the most part I kept the burning inferno invisible to people outside my close circle of friends.

For far too long I let the fires of fear, denial, self loathing and unworthiness burn in me. They showed up in my life as outward manifestations of failed relationships, mistrust, betrayal and self sabotage. I would stop myself from reaching my goals because I felt that I was fake and undeserving. Like the coal fires burning in the mountains, I had a fuel source that would last for generations. The sad part was, I was so quick to judge other people and offer solutions to “FIX” there situations, it wasn’t until I got sick of hearing a friend’s husband whine and complain about being the way he was because his father was an alcoholic, that I opened the door for my own self healing.

I was determined to let him know that people in the world had been through much more traumatic circumstances and could show up as responsible, reliable adults and stop blaming their childhoods for making them the way they were. So, I started to write a book about every nasty, painful nitty-gritty detail of my life. It included everything from the first time that I had sex ,to the night that I had a gun held to my head all night long. I wrote about being rapped while my little kids were just up the hallway. This book detailed my childhood traumas to having to fight 2 years to get a divorce. I created a beautifully scrapbooked example of everything from my life…but with it, I included the lessons that I learnt with each event. After 1 week of writing every night after my children were tucked in bed until almost sunrise I was finished. I had written “my Story” that I had been packing around for way to many years. I gave the book to my friend for her and her husband to read… and I don’t know if, he got my point about worse things have happened to people.. and they turned out ok; but ..the experience of purging the baggage that I had carried with me for an entire life was healing for me and everyone around me.

The book of my experiences allowed me to walk though everything in my life from a different perspective and for the first time… I forgave myself for directing my life the way that I had done. The burning coal inside of me, was distinguished and prevented from turning into an out of control forest fire. The coal in me had turned to diamonds …shiny examples of where I once was and how strong I have become; even though some of my diamonds are still being polished…I am not scared for people to see them. Since the ‘book’ I have been on a journey of self discover, understanding, humility and love. I have become a person that is proud to look in the mirror and in the eyes of others.

Humbly Yours,

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